Babywearing with Jess

Never really “enough”?

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Its a horrible feeling to just feel like you are trying so hard at so many things and maybe not doing any of them “enough” isn’t it?

Its hard even just factoring in kids and the house to EVER feel like you have “enough” time to do it all…

Then there’s things like self care, fuck who has time for that?! Where is that meant to fit in?? Then like, my husband, the person I made the children with… should probably draw some time on this conceptual pie chart for him too…

And my friends and family like my Mum and sister.. Oh and we have a dog and chickens (luckily they complain loudly when I forget to feed them, they have learnt well from the children…)

Now we have “role changed” and James is having a turn at primary caregiver I see him struggle sometimes with the same stuff I did in his position, but I have insight into how that feels…

It makes me hurt and I want to try and help him… That doesn’t help anyone.

Someone asked me how I was managing working from home…

I am lucky we have a separate dwelling on our property from the main house and I hide there. At first it was hard for me to hear the kids crying outside in the yard sometimes…

Initially in those first few weeks I would “come to their rescue”.. break my work flow, run outside and find them and try to “help”.. all that achieved was me effectively undermining my husbands ability to do his job as primary caregiver and my ability to get any work done….

Kids are loud and cry and scream sometimes, he has a different approach with them to me. But that’s the beauty of having two parents, they are different, that’s ok.

I dont want to fuck around and waste time being away from my kids. I miss just playing with them. In a rose tinted glasses version of course…

In his role, I just constantly felt strained and spread thin in a different way, often touched out and just trying to get away from them for a bit.

But if we are going to do this “role reversal” shit properly, I need to get a bit more “dad approach” about it. I can’t block out the whinging and crying like James can. I am sure that part of being a mum vs being a dad must be a bit instinctive..

Like cave people styles, imagine there was a lion at the mouth of our cave… The kid is whinging, instinctively my role is like “shhhh! stop! whats the problem? be quiet! there is a freaking lion at the mouth of the cave trying to eat us” all I hear is the whinging!

The cave man dad is at the mouth of the cave with his fire stick fighting off the lion, thoroughly engrossed in what he is doing… If the whinging drove him crazy too he couldn’t focus on fighting the fucking lion and we would all be lion food! I am sure for a lot of men I know anyway, they just don’t hear it the same!

So I have to take a different approach, my solution music. Drown out the noise. Or leave, run away somewhere else to work where they can’t find me and I can’t reach them haha

Someone I know said, “shit Jess you’re brutal. Its scary.”

Scary or not, I maintain, I am not going to be away from my beautiful kids and leave my husband to do a role I often feel I could do better, if I am just going to fuck around.

I don’t mean I think I am better at it than him its just my mummy instincts are strong, these last few months are the first time in over four years that I have focused on work not my kids and my family and my house. If I am going to swap and do the “money earner” role for a bit, I want to do it properly.

But now there are even more to things to juggle and I always feel like there is at least one or two balls I am dropping to the side… Probably most recently, self care…

self-care-ideas2

But it is not easy. I don’t think it is ever easy for anyone of us.

But, we are all our own worst critics usually you know, you’re probably doing better than you think you are x

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